Bordering on .....

I think I've reached breaking point. I'm burnt out. I may not look burnt out physically. But mentally and emotionally I truly am. Burnt out with a hint of depression. Perhaps more than just a hint of depression.

I decided right after my promotion that this is really not what I wanna do. But what stops me from resigning? Most importantly, what stops me from looking for a new job? The only answer I can come up with is fear, fear for change, fear of defeat, fear of dissapointing my family and friends and most importantly fear of dissapointing myself. One might argue that getting promoted even before one year is up is an accomplishment. But is it really? How can it be an accomplishment when you clearly know you deserve it for all the hours you put in and all the crap you endure at work?

Every single day for the past two months I reason with my inner demons. Reason on staying a little longer. Reason that what my mind wants is truly not what I should be doing. I keep thinking is it just me? Is it coz I'm just not cut out for the corporate world? Am i truly a failure? I think to the eyes of my family I am and always have been a failure. And me bearing through this crap at work I reason to myself that if I can stay just a little bit longer I can show everyone that I am not just a failure. That I can survive. That I can do what others do. Every year cum graduation time, 300 people or more apply for this job. 300!! You should see the amount of resume that comes pouring into this department. And yet I got in! me! I got in from the hundreds of people. People would kill to come and work here. And yet I can't stand it? Maybe I am just not strong enough. Perhaps?

I have no idea what I am ranting on here. I guess its just an outlet for me to release and then get back to my work and pretend this didn't happen. Oh well, time to get back to reality.

Cheers,
Ranveer